That One Day Seems So Far Away... Maybe Never

Javier "If I Never Get To Heaven" & cover of Sade's "By Your Side" in Germany 2007



I love these two songs... When I first saw this video. My heart dropped. I LOVE THE SOUND OF HIS VOICE & the way he sings each song. I MELT EVERY TIME.
It maybe just be that "time of the month" where my estrogen gets the best of me (blah)... Yes, lately I will admit those thoughts of commitment/relationships have been going thru my head. BUT am I ready for something like that again? Do I even really want that? Am I scared or am I just being super indecisive?? Im surrounded by BOTH sides of the spectrum.

One side:full of married friends, babies, being in love, PDA.
The other side: freedom, no ties, endless choices and getting to know different people.

I'm feeling torn. I remember how it was to be adored and loved that much in return. I remember wanting to be everything I could be because this person believed I was so much more than I thought I was.. To put thier happiness before my own. I miss the feeling of butterflies everytime I heard thier voice. Then I remember all the betrayal and pain some of these loves have caused me. I remember those sleepless, tearful, gut wrenching, appetite-less nights. The mere knowledge of knowing someone has that kind of effect or control on me. That I studpidly ALLOWED myself to get that low because of ONE PERSON?!! WTF?!! Please! HELL NO... But sometimes I think.. "At least if Im feeling lonely... these are my feelings that I caused myself to feel... not someone else.." I doubt that makes any sense to you guys but it does in my head.

And of course don't forget the endless parade of "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!!" moments. Men with girlfriends and or wives whose actions make me think twice. God how I feel sorry for these women who think they've got 'LOVE' on lockdown... If they could be a fly on the wall to some of the shit I've heard, seen & experienced first hand. (NO LADIES I DID NOT GO THERE WITH ANY OF THEM... AS THE SAYING GOES "IF THEY CHEAT WITH YOU, THEY WILL CHEAT ON YOU")

Is it too much to ask for what I deserve to have? Apparently becoz that "special day" just seems like a dream that I used to have, that's now slowly becoming blurry and soon enough wont exist anymore. My dream that will be only a mere memory.