Not Sure Where I Stand...

I'm at an akward fork in the road of my life right now. I can't really tell which way I am going to go just because I am so freakishly indecisive. Money issues have definitley been playing a HUGE role in my life right now. A lot with how often I go out or if I even go out at all these days. A lot with where I do go because I am so strapped with what I can shell out, I want to make sure its going to be spent on a "new experience" rather than something I've done ALREADY/REPEATEDLEY. It's just my way of rationalizing shit right now. It's not that I'm "too good" to do any of the things I usually do! NOT AT ALL. I mean HELLO - I AM ONE OF THE BROKEST BITCHES (as of right now) around. Pinching pennies here and there & I am fucking sick of it. I've had to make some decisions about the way I do spend $$ and being more smart about stuff. That is just where I am at right now. Think I'm "too cool" or not - that's your steez. Plus, I havent been itching to be out as much period. Proudly though - I've been religious about my P90X workouts UNTIL this past week. I have to start all over again for this week only becuz I contracted a chest cold & started coughing. I do not want to risk myself getting worse so I decided to chill a bit til I'm back to 100%. Those workouts are RIGOROUS and I need to be ok before I tackle it again.

Tonight are auditions for CSSD. I am teaching the audition piece along with Alfredo, Jerome & Rachael Mac. EXCITED. I cannot believe after 5 years of being on the team... Remembering how fucking scared I was back in 03' when I first auditioned that NOW I would be the one TEACHING!! Crazy where you can truly take yourself if you put your mind to it eh?! Can't wait to see the turn out later. The pre-audition workshop last Tuesday was pretty crowded. More so than I expected. Saw some new faces and some potential.

So to touch on the ".. crazy where you can truly take yourself..." statement. This is yet another reason why I am at a fork in the road. DANCE. I LOVE IT. I ALWAYS WILL. But lately.. I haven't felt inspired. I don't feel that FIRE like I used to. To the point where it makes me sad. I dont know how to pin point it but there is something defintely missing. And Im trying to figure out how to solve this issue. I have always been the thrillseeking type. Face my fears head on and see what Im made up of kind of girl. It may take me awhile but I've done it and I am still alive arent I? So I have decided that I want to pursue the LA industry scene. Just to see how far I can actually go. Shit, why not? I have a good head on my shoulders, the experience and the will. I've been told several times I have a marketable look and the talent (crossing fingers). Obviously I have so much more to learn & I am not going to ever stop learning. But I want to know that I tried - for myself. So there are plans to get my head shots done and my dance reel put together soon. I am keeping tabs on agency auditions and submitting to all 3 in LA (Bloc, Clear & DDO) in hopes to get a call back to audition in the first quarter of 2010. If things do go well then I guess I will cross that bridge when I get there. It's exciting for me and I feel better prepared for it now than I did 6 years ago. To new adventures. haha..

As for me being on CSSD. I'm there. That's my ROCK. Its where I learned the most about myself - dance related or not. Thru the friendships, relationships, work.. ALL OF IT, I am who I am today because of what I've been thru. Thank you GOD for that. I do feel like it is time to move on though. And that has been the hardest realization to come to terms with. This is TOTALLY ME. LOVELYN written all over it. Its like a relationship & you get TOO COMFORTABLE - here comes the slew of circulating thoughts. I really really do think that we as individuals are so small in this gigantic Universe that we sell ourselves short by being so close minded to what the Universe has to offer us. There is so much out there - reach out and touch it!! I swear if I had the $$ I would be EVERYWHERE - TRYING EVERYTHING OUT - DOING THE MOST & RACKING IN ALL THE EXPERIENCES I COULD POSSIBLY EXPERIENCE. You feel me??!!! And that's what I want for myself. So I need to stop dicking around and wasting my time and get my shit together now while I am only 27 years young so I can spend the next 27 LIVING it the way I always dreamed I would be.

I will NEVER EVER STOP DANCING. I mean I do get free classes there coz Im alumni & just coz I have every right to keep on dancing. Even if its in my bedroom by myself rocking out, but as of staying on the team?? I am NOT SURE WHERE I STAND yet for the rest of 2010.. I dont feel like its fair to stay if Im not all there. The Culture Shock Organization has given me so much that IT (Teammates, Directors & Angie) deserves 200% of me. Period.

One thing is for sure. I do miss hanging out - but seriously its only been like 3 weeks that I've "hung out" like I used to hahaha. Its not the end of the world, but I'll admit I do feel kinda "left out" of stuff coz I havent been around but THAT FEELING is temporary and pretty fucking childish when I step back and look at what my long term goals are. I love the ones that I love and the ones that really matter will understand and be there for me after I finally figure out my next steps. THE END.